Follow up: 7 weeks after my car accident
It’s been a while I know….I have been struggling to write since my car accident. If you want, you can read about it and the weeks that followed here. So I thought instead of trying to find something to write about, I would just share those struggles with you. Because as much as I want to say that it has been easy, it has not. Don’t get me wrong, it could have been way worse! I was lucky to walk out of my car with nothing broken. I really was. But I think what we often underestimate is the toll such trauma takes on one’s spirit. So let’s talk about that.
What being in “recovery” means….
Everywhere I go, people say to me “be careful you are still recovering”, or “it’s normal you are in recovery”. Alright, but what does that actually mean???? I mean, yes I go to physio therapy and massage therapy every week. My body is recovering from the shock of the accident and from the stiffness and soreness that followed. The bruises are gone, the swelling has gone down. See what they looked like here. Three weeks ago, I started kickboxing again. A sport I have truly enjoyed over the past 5 years and one that helped me out a lot over time. I was sad to have to stop practicing it for 4 weeks. But it would not have been wise to go back earlier. Some people in my life did not agree with me kickboxing again, saying that my body needed to heal.
Ok but what does that mean? I think everyone’s body heals differently. Mine heals while moving. Of course I was careful when I got back into it and the instructors were wonderful. I protected my left side (which has soft tissue damage) and listened to my body. But being active is healing to me. It keeps me sane at times, it helps me recenter and it helps me get frustration out. So to me, being physically active was crucial to my “recovery” no matter what anyone said.
But what about spiritual or emotional recovery?
Hmmmm that is a harder one. How does one heal their spirit? And even better, how does one know it needs healing??? Well that’s a good question. How would you answer it? As I previously explained, I felt my spirit leaving my body after my car accident. I was not myself. I was crying,I felt empty and numb. I was just roaming around with no purpose.
Until I went back to the scene of the accident and put tobacco down. Asking for my spirit to come back. And then I felt like myself again. I did not feel empty anymore. Was I totally back to being myself? No I was not. I could feel that I could not handle as much emotionally. For those who do not know, I work with a difficult population. Although my work can be heartwarming, it can also be exhausting. At work, I have to be solid, I have to be the rock for my clients and my staff. I cannot be down and struggling. Or everyone else will. I don’t mean that because I think I am that important. I mean that I need to be consistent and always there for everyone. Which is difficult to do when you don’t quite feel as solid as you used to be.
So what about now?
Well I have since gone back to offer tobacco three more times. For a total of 4 times, for the 4 directions. Each time I went I offered tobacco to the four directions, to Father Sky and to Mother Earth, asking for my spirit to find its way home. So I could be whole again. Each time I just sat down and pressed the tobacco in the grass praying.
I also went to a sweat to take care of my spirit, for my spiritual healing. I definitively felt better afterwards. I slept very well after. That being said, I think that, as frustrating as it can be, the physical recovery is the easy one. I had underestimated the emotional turmoil that would follow. Again, it is not like I am sobbing every day, barely functional. That’s not it. But I feel different. I am finding that I need support, I need to talk things through (well I always have), I do not have the emotional strength that I used to have.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still strong kickass Emily 🙂 And others still see me as that. But I feel a change in me. One that I am struggling to explain. It is subtle but something changed in me. Yes there is physical pain at times which in turn affects my mood and patience. But some things also affect me differently. For example: experiences with clients. 99% of the time, I am able to let go of whatever happened at work (e.g. being called names, yelled at, threats being made, etc). But lately, I am mentally tired and I am not able to let go as much. Something happened last week. And normally I would have let go of it by now. But this time it affected me more. And I am struggling dealing with it like I used to. My mind is tired and so is my spirit.
I never thought I would say that, but yes my spirit is tired. Although it just came back in my body, I can feel it needs to recharge. Thus I am going away this week. To recharge. Because if I don’t it will start affecting my work and my life. And that cannot happen. They say, “listen to your body”. But they forget to also say, “listen to your spirit” because it knows. Mine is saying “let me recover, let me gather my strength back”. And I need to listen to it. So that I can continue on my healing journey.
Has anyone ever had a similar experience? Does anyone understand what I am trying to convey in this article? Share below and I will respond back 🙂
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